Driven

I recognize that I am a rather complex individual.  I've pretty much known that for a long time.  The way I think, the way I act, and the way I process thoughts often leaves me denying myself relaxation or vacations from myself.  The only way I have found that I can supress these interwoven insanities is to channel these energies into one locale.  Definitively, I need something central I can focus on rather than the four million things that often lull me to sleep at night.

With that as my present foundation, I must admit that I am continually learning much about myself.  I never realized just how driven a man I was until I got the job that I have now.  I run the Verizon Wireless store inside Golden Triangle Mall almost entirely by myself.  I easily put in 60 hours a week but it is not uncommon for me to work 70.  I love what I do and I'm quickly finding that I'm a natural at sales.  I finished 4th overall in sales for my company and market last month and that was only my second full month working here.  Right now I'm currently 2nd on the boards.  As bizarre as it all is, I'll probably make $50,000 this year.  My ultimate goal would be to have a steady flow upwards of $60,000 a year.  It's stupid how easy it is for me to make money in this arena.  I just don't really understand why this has all been given to me so suddenly. 

At the exact time I was seriously considering leaving and heading to Australia I got this job.  I didn't even apply or turn in a resume.  I got a call from an old friend and he asked if I needed a job and that if I did, he was going to set up an interview for me.  I went in for it and got hired on the spot inside the store I now run.  It's pretty cool how I am building so many relationships within my company as well as the obvious ones being formed with customers.  People keep coming back to my store not because it's necessarily convienent (there is a large corporate store outside of the mall I compete with) but because of the genuine customer service I give them.  I try to invest as much of my heart into each person I interact with hoping to impact them in some positive way.  My prayer is that they do not see me but rather hope.  I have many people that just come hang out with me in my store now.  It's rather funny but cool to know that I honestly am building those friendships with them.  Referrals have started to flow in and that's awesome.  This is just the beginning too.  I can only imagine where this will take me.

It's interesting how sometimes I just seem to know things.  It's hard to explain really, but some of my close friends know what I'm talking about.  One night a few months back while I was driving home I was told I would become rather wealthy if I got this job.  And it looks like that may come true, at least for now anyway.  But I still remember my roots and my distaste for wealth and all that it brings.  I have the choice in whether I want to become what I hate or not.  If I keep my heart hidden in Him I know I'll be alright.  The trouble with that is it is so terribly easy for me to put my entire being into one thing and just keep it there.  If I went without eating as long as I have gone without letting myself be still and listen to Him I would be dead right now.  I have got to let myself slow down and enjoy the simple beauty found in friendships, family, and Jesus. 

I moved back home about a week ago.  Sanger is my home once again.  I'll be here until the end of the month when I move into my new place, a house not far from the Hundley and Notty houses.  I'll be living with Andy Zapata, Josh Cross, Kyle Murphey, and Jake Hedke.  I can't express my excitement.  These guys are all my good friends and I look forward to the accountability and encouragement this represents.  Maybe, finally, I'll find a true balance in my life living with these guys. 

I knew 2007 was going to bring huge changes in my life.  It just really wasn't what I expected at all.  Proverbs 16:9 has always been an infamous verse with me.  It's funny the roadmaps we follow and the roadblocks we slam into.  I cannot be out of His will.  Not only am I exactly who I'm supposed to be right now but I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.  And you know, I'm OK with that.

Thanks for listening.  I love ya.

~ sk

Thousand Miles Away

I found one of my old journals I used to write in all the time... well when I used to write at all.  I miss that outlet of expression and really need to grab hold of that again.  Anyway, the following is what I wrote in what I believe was mid-October, describing my past and the present season of my life.  I hope this inspires you somehow.  I've got like 20 more of these, but I just stumbled across this one and felt it should be set free.

'Thousand Miles Away'

As I drive 35
A Texas wind blows
With the horizon dancing
To the setting sun's glow
Soft in my ears
Some mellow tunes play
As I glance at the past
A thousand miles away
I've driven so far
In such a short time
Yesterday was empty
Tonight sublime
The rearview mirror
Is no longer intact
Since it's needed no more
I'm not looking back
My vision resets
To this moonlit stretch
As I chase after You
Eternity is etched
This broken heart
You've rescued and freed
Won't settle for less
Than revolutionary
So bought with a price
I am not my own
Consuming my call
Until I return Home

Beauty and Truth

I’m realizing something rather surprising about myself.  I can’t handle being happy.  Anytime I’m ever happy I think there must be something wrong with me.  I question it and come to the conclusion that this thing making me happy can’t be right because that means I’ve slowed down enough to stop and enjoy the moment.  And if I’ve stopped then I must be content with where I am and if I am content with where I am then that must mean that I’m not currently pursuing and striving for the next thing God has for me.  I always miss the blessings in front of me because I always feel like I must know what God has next for me rather than what He has presently for me.   This has resulted in me being extremely selfish and I’ve let down every good friend that I’ve had because of it.

I rarely ever slow down.  But if I do, I tend to shut people out of my life and become reclusive, refusing love, advice, or guidance.  It’s hard for me to accept those things anyway.  I’m the one that seems to always give the advice and encouragement.  I guess I get it in my head that since I’m the one helping others all the time I can’t accept it myself when people reach out to me because I somehow am the one with the answers and they aren’t.  I suppose that’s a huge pride issue.  I just wish I could reach a point in my life where I could take a break from my selfish tragedies and feel free to revel in the beauty and Truth so graciously bestowed on me.  But it seems a nearly impossible task.  It’s how I’m wired.  I’m always searching, unpacking, pondering, picking apart the present condition of my life.  I want to know when, where and how this is going to affect my tomorrow and how He is using this to shape my future.  If I can’t figure it out I tend to get angry at God for leaving me in a state of confusion.  I’ll take this anger and withdraw from Him, thinking I will somehow punish God by not reading His Word or going to church or even blatantly sinning.  But I doubt I’m the only one with this mindset.

Regardless of how unthankful I can be, I am filled with overwhelming gratitude for the journey I’ve been on thus far.  God is constantly changing and rearranging my heart and preparing me for the next season of my life.  Two years ago I never thought I would be the man I am.  Back then I was this self-righteous, hypocritical, naive spiritual baby that lived out each day through a checklist and constantly skewed the view of who Jesus truly is.  A year ago I was a stoner, an alcoholic, and a frat boy looking for a good time.  And now tonight I sit here as a man who knows the true meaning of life and understands what it truly is to be saved by Grace.  Paul’s thorn is my own and it will most likely afflict me the rest of my life.  These scars will forever represent two things: my near death experience and how He raised the dead in me.

“Every beautiful moment in my life has also been imperfect; and everything that has been painful has brought me to a better understanding of what Beauty and Truth truly are.” – Jonathon Foreman

Looking in the rearview mirror only gives me hope for the road that lies ahead.  I’ve experienced some of the darkest storms imaginable and stolen glimpses of the most beautiful sunsets ever created.  But these things only give credit to my Creator.  There are no valleys without peaks and no confusion without the classic light bulbs going off once you finally realize what it is He has been whispering to you all along.

I never expected to be caught up in the greatest love story ever told.  The last few seasons of my life merely represent beginnings, and therefore I have a feeling I haven’t really seen anything yet.

Corporate America

It's interesting that I am considering going into the business world, and I find it interesting that it is considering me.  I've always had a dislike for this kind of life because your whole world is easily consumed by work and money.  In slowing down and thinking of all this, I realize that I am heading into this lifestyle quickly.  About a month ago while driving I was given the notion that if I head into this business that I would indeed become rather successful and wealthy from it.  I've always envisioned myself being dirt poor and filled with joy because I know the only treasure I would ever need would be the Salvation that lies within my soul.

I am already doing pretty well with Verizon and continue to excel each day.  I've always known that I would do well in the business world.  My personality and people skills are exactly what this field requires.  I enjoy my job and everyone that I work with.  Apparantly I am impressing all of my managers, including the actual owner of Cellular Sales, the multi-million dollar coporation that I work for, and that is a huge thing.

I do recognize there is a huge need for ministry in such an environment and that I could be used greatly here.  I am already building relationships left and right.  It's just so crazy that all of this is coming together so smoothly and I did not do a thing to get this job.  Somebody literally called me and asked if I needed a job, then set up an interview for me.  I got hired on the spot. 

Another thing this arena would enable me to do is help others financially.  I've always wanted to be able to meet others' needs.  I think it would be cool to be able to randomly find a kid struggling financially and pay his tuition.  Things like that.

But either way, I just don't want to become what I hate... and I think that terrifies me more than anything else.

Soft Movement